the skies went dark
and the candles held their flame
i looked to the north and saw buildings blazing
and the terrified leaping to their doom
I looked to the south and saw the clairvoyance of death
traitor-angels trapped in an infinity between each moment
(i’m scared of the deep and lonely as they hunger on human
souls)
to the east i saw a new sky, a web of invitation.
the clarity of welcoming peace.
ivory towers connected with sky bridges,
a grid of understanding, and the space to grow….
to the west i saw my shadow. and the road behind me.
there were people who no longer know me
spotted along circular cement picnic tables
talking amongst themselves.
it’s the world i’ve moved through,
the world i left behind.
i took an inventory of my directions.
with pale breath and panting skin
i sat on the center of this compass
i wept. i wept the tears that anchored me to a past,
a past that healed without me
a past that changed colours
and underwent many seasons already
it’s a past that tore into my flank
pushed slowly over a succession of years…
then, i wrapped my arms around myself
as a mother holding my child
and put my hands over the wound
and held tightly to a pain stuck in time
(i’m gonna care for you now)
that slowly became the past
i nurtured this pain
i learned to care for it
fed it
housed it
and clothed it.
it was a demanding pain.
i learned to see it more clearly than myself,
i kept it alive and it promised me security.
pain kept my hands full
under the guise of familiar companionship
i’ve learned to be alone.
i’ve learned the familiar isn’t always comfortable
and the comfortable isn’t always good
But, alas i sat there.
Heavy with freedom,
burdened with silence
there was no one now.
just the sanctity of space
and my calling
i cried again.
i stared into the sun to see if it was true
and felt a pull up my back, spine,
and neck
i closed my eyes then
swollen from the tears now…..
lashes clumped together,
wet moss draped over warm stones
i wanted to hold something
i wanted the pain back now
but the staleness was gone….
I almost grabbed my own hand
but knew i had to keep them to my sides
i was holding back tears now…
afraid somebody would see me
even though i knew i was alone
and I heard it again….
my calling…
like a warmth i couldn’t amend
or an old friend i never knew i missed.
and i was comforted
The calling was testing me
in a small way I presume….
an experiment of sorts…
The calling was curious if i could listen…
i wanted to run then
but there was no where else to go
i was too afraid to go south
i’d just came from the west
i was staring at the Northern buildings burn
and knew it wasn’t right.
but all i had is where i am.
and i was uncomfortable
i wanted to go east.
but i can’t go alone.
not that i’m afraid or unwilling
but it’s a high land
it has many mountains
one must ascend
its been done
many have walked the path of the central mountain
but the path is very clear about this-
one must go, and one must go alone
and the only guide is the calling
the calling is so clear i can’t hear it
I walk these streets playing busy…
(wo hen mang)
I’ve learned how to be busy
in other languages
The Book covers haunt me now
“The Will of Eros”
“Cure of the Mind”
“The Age of Innocence”
Leave me alone
-the echo hits the wall
even my sound waves are muted
by indifference and the loneliness of sorrow
i’m back at the compass
theres no time here, so its ok
i wait. i wait for the part of myself in space/time
to get clear
im at peace here oddly,
unexpectedly
i know time doesn’t exist,
but that scares me
and i comfort myself knowing
my experience of time does
i start thinking about now
and tomorrow again
and the things i gotta do….
i’m back in my body…
i’ve seen where i’m going
and i know its ok now
this book’s made me get up
“Walden Two”
the rivers beneath the surface stream
colours still hark on their shadow.
meal makes faces
i’m stumbling towards peace and surrender
sometimes weak
but always strong
i’m afraid theres no happy ending here
just a bloody past
and a knowing
of where im going.
