My Crustaceans

sensatory

from the deep they call me
the cozy comfortable versions of myself.
“Hold my hand” each echo of desperation whispers to me
I love myself. I set myself free.
The clenched fist opens.....
like solar panels of satellites, I turn towards surrender

Its the silence of myself that i have lost that nourishes me.
Its the vacancy i created when i let it go that holds me.
From the cervix, every moment grows me toward my greatness.

But they call to me.
They beg me with their familiar voices
“Take me with you”.

And she kneels inside of me, the veiled woman who weeps
and never shows her eyes.
the source of my tears thats collected behind these eyes
thats watched myself all these years.
Tightening my chest, a drawstring around my throat.

I pull back.
I clench the tails of my garments as I move towards surrender.
But they weep harder
and they beg me with the voice thats loved me for so long...
“Come back to me my dear, come back to me”
“Your safe here in the womb of what we’ve always had”.

I pretend I don’t hear them.
I go where its warm and I get my ass home.
But they long for me, and I for them.
For its my past thats brought me here
and these versions of myself that I want to love now
the ways I never could then...

 “Come home to me”

 “Come home to me”

 “come home to me”....

Fall or Full

sensatory


whats life,
                      but a strand of moments

                                    hurled benign,
                                                              past freedom

                                                                        into psyches of indifference
                                                                                                                      & fathom

some radiate like epicenters
                                    of the quakes that shift our lives
                                                                                    in all kinds of directions

                        have you loved?
                                    have you loved with all you are?

complete vulnerability

has your heart ever become naked in front of another?

                        does your heart speak this language?

                                                have you lost the form of this love?

have you said good-byes to people, places & things you didn't want to leave?
                                                                                                                             but had to
           
            versions of yourself you had to discard to grow deeper,
                                                even though the past of you wanted to come too
                                                                                                                            & they beg

            for life is not a carousel of the fantasies we dream of
                                    and living to be happy-
                                                            is living a half-life

as its pain, loss, & toil where we crumble
                                                              & blossom again

                        sometimes its in our pieces we find our power
                                                                        its our weaknesses- that build us strong

to access life,
                    is to access living

                                                            to live full
                                                                             is to ride wildly

                                    for streams lead to rivers
                                                                              which hit dams
                                                                                                     & freeze in winters
           
            but all waters must reach the ocean
                                                                     where the salts may purify them
                                                                                                                      again & again

to your body-
                      be kind
                                                to your mind-           
                                                                      you already know

                        for your heart-
                                                trust, please trust
                                                                             i trust you

& to the part of you that exist in eternity
                                                                    the part of you on loan from God
                                    your soul-
                                                            live wildly
                                                                                       live richly
           
            hurt deeply when it hurts

                                                cry over & over again
                                                                                    if you must

for tears are the antiseptic
                                           for the wounds we don't see

                                                                                    may pain force more life
                                                                                                                             from you

                        may sorrows squeeze you to your depths

& may anger, Rage;
                               the knights and armoured horseman
                                                                                   
                                                whom guard the hurts-
                                                                                      battle until the wars are done.

            for those of us who have lived
                                                we know its many Journeys
                                                                                    across the deserts of
                                                                                                        lonesome burdens
                                                                                                                                   
             before
                        the paradise of self-love appears

                        For to be Full
                                                is to live-
                                                                        for it all

                                                                                    to be full is to accept
                                                                                                                        it all

            for every wound is a
                                                call to grow deeper

                                                                        & every hurt
                                                                                            is summoning
                                                                                                                   you closer                                                                                                                                                (come)
                        seek not only joys
                                                    & the sweet delicacies of life

            for to be Full
                                 is to be whole
                                                            & to be whole
                                                                                                                       
                                                                                                            is to Live.

            May you live flawlessly
                                                   amoungst the treasures of life

                                                                        & sail the winds between
                                                                                                                 the groves
                                                                                                                                  & Love,

Love in eternity

home

i felt so uncomfortable

                                    today

                           i was with a large group of

                                                         people

         a group of people

                  i wouldn't socialize with outside of school

                           i didn't like it

                                    i didn't want to be there

         all i could think about

                           was being here

                           safe here between

                                    the pages of privacy

         paper has always welcomed me

                  i can be honest here

                           over the years,

                                    i've watched my tears smear this ink

         words; they expect nothing from me

                           they hold me

                                    like a child, and they cradle me

         between each curve of an 's'

                                    and each intersection of a 't'

                  i am safe here

                                    my words

                                             my pages

                           when i've been lost

                                    i've hung on here

                  and i've also found myself here

                                             in these words

                  my sadness disguised as periods

         my anger expressed in big letters

                  & sloppy penmanship

                  and my longing diagnosed as        

                                    constants and vowels

         my heart has bled open onto these pages

                           this ink still warm and sticky

                           i can feel my own pulse

                  when i put my finger over any one of these letters

         my words

                  my precious, precious words

you've given me the vocabulary

                           to say it

                           i'm home here

                                    like i've never been anywhere else

         throughout my life

                  its been the alphabet thats been my family

grammar thats been my parents

         adjectives; my sisters

verbs; my brothers

                  together we've built a home

                                    nestled between pages and bound with security

         not a home of wood

                           that can burn

                                    or a home of stone

                                             that time will erode

but together we've built an ethereal home

                           floating beyond time and space between infinity

         and the cycles of creation and decomposing

the binds of these books are our guardians

                           they protect our home from

                                                      invasions

         like a hammock

                  i can rest my soul between each 'u'

                              or nestle my body tight between the sheets

                                                                                 of every 'z'

                  my words, my letters

                                    its you i'll always love

                           and its here

                                    i'm always home

the standing

the infancy of integrity

the clandestine of despair

                  where silk & rage collide

                  in an afterthought of misunderstanding

we are allotted temptation

we are allotted base & anger

untitled

its the drainage of perception

the conflict of sincere

(its) where estranged & understanding

      collide

               in a para-mélange of

                                   magnificence

i come prepared with nothing

except my willingness to allow

(its) between the breath

      & excellence

i find comfort in the womb

of God

& rest in peace

in the placenta

               of my

                   

life

I've Honored Love

(this poem is available by request only)

sadness

i can’t find the words.

i don’t want this to be

one of those pages where i just stare

for what seems forever at an empty page

            how do i express this one?

            there are no words…

mathematics describes the infinite

science describes the finite

poetry is the hearts way

of becoming tangible in the world

this sadness…. why am i sad?

because i have found a love

           

            as pure as gold, who needs definite

            or indefinite, space and time from me

there are no words.

there is no way to express this

there are some dialects of the heart

that even poetry doesn't understand

there are some forms of sadness

that can only be, secrets of the heart

            this is one of them.

i'd give my favorite words

to have you next to me

i'd give my best couplets

to have my head on your chest again

and if it cost me a thousand poems

to have one day with you,

i'd spend every moment in poetic prose

just so when i looked up from the page

i could see your good

shining through that warm smile

yes, i'd give up my words for you to be mine

each and every last one....            

           

            my greatest passion

            for my greatest love

i'd start with the ones that were with me in adolescence

the ones that comforted me when i was 14, alone and ashamed

then, i'd give up my words that were my only companions

in the darkest moments of my life

           

            i'd go through it all again, but this time alone

            if you'd be mine

every stroke, every comma, every period

and every instance of creative contemplation

my closest friends

my most intimate companions

            i'd give them all away for you

           

you once told me that death is the great equalizer

your depth amazed me in that moment

            yes.... and so is love

            as its here, in this sadness that nothing else identifies me

you've brought a poet to offer you his words.

can't you see what your love has done for me?

and i gave it all to fear

the skies went dark

and the candles held their flame

i looked to the north and saw buildings blazing

and the terrified leaping to their doom

I looked to the south and saw the clairvoyance of death

traitor-angels trapped in an infinity between each moment

(i’m scared of the deep and lonely as they hunger on human 
             souls)

to the east i saw a new sky, a web of invitation.

the clarity of welcoming peace.

ivory towers connected with sky bridges,

a grid of understanding, and the space to grow….

to the west i saw my shadow. and the road behind me.

there were people who no longer know me

spotted along circular cement picnic tables

talking amongst themselves.

it’s the world i’ve moved through,

the world i left behind.

i took an inventory of my directions.

with pale breath and panting skin

i sat on the center of this compass

i wept. i wept the tears that anchored me to a past,

a past that healed without me

a past that changed colours

and underwent many seasons already

it’s a past that tore into my flank

pushed slowly over a succession of years…

then, i wrapped my arms around myself

as a mother holding my child

and put my hands over the wound

and held tightly to a pain stuck in time

            (i’m gonna care for you now)

that slowly became the past

i nurtured this pain

i learned to care for it

fed it

housed it

and clothed it.

it was a demanding pain.

i learned to see it more clearly than myself,

i kept it alive and it promised me security.

pain kept my hands full

under the guise of familiar companionship

i’ve learned to be alone.

i’ve learned the familiar isn’t always comfortable

and the comfortable isn’t always good

But, alas i sat there.

Heavy with freedom,

burdened with silence

there was no one now.

just the sanctity of space

and my calling

i cried again.

i stared into the sun to see if it was true

and felt a pull up my back, spine,

and neck

i closed my eyes then

swollen from the tears now…..

lashes clumped together,

wet moss draped over warm stones

i wanted to hold something

i wanted the pain back now

but the staleness was gone….

I almost grabbed my own hand

but knew i had to keep them to my sides

i was holding back tears now…

afraid somebody would see me

            even though i knew i was alone

            and I heard it again….

my calling…

like a warmth i couldn’t amend

or an old friend i never knew i missed.

            and i was comforted

The calling was testing me

in a small way I presume….

an experiment of sorts…

The calling was curious if i could listen…

i wanted to run then

but there was no where else to go

i was too afraid to go south

i’d just came from the west

i was staring at the Northern buildings burn

and knew it wasn’t right.

but all i had is where i am.

and i was uncomfortable

i wanted to go east.

but i can’t go alone.

not that i’m afraid or unwilling

but it’s a high land

            it has many mountains

            one must ascend

its been done

many have walked the path of the central mountain

but the path is very clear about this-

one must go, and one must go alone

and the only guide is the calling

the calling is so clear i can’t hear it

I walk these streets playing busy…

(wo hen mang)

I’ve learned how to be busy

in other languages

The Book covers haunt me now

            “The Will of Eros”

            “Cure of the Mind”

            “The Age of Innocence”

Leave me alone

-the echo hits the wall

even my sound waves are muted

by indifference and the loneliness of sorrow

i’m back at the compass

theres no time here, so its ok

i wait. i wait for the part of myself in space/time

to get clear

im at peace here oddly,

unexpectedly

i know time doesn’t exist,

but that scares me

and i comfort myself knowing

my experience of time does

i start thinking about now

and tomorrow again

and the things i gotta do….

i’m back in my body…

i’ve seen where i’m going

and i know its ok now

this book’s made me get up

            “Walden Two”

the rivers beneath the surface stream

colours still hark on their shadow.

meal makes faces

i’m stumbling towards peace and surrender

sometimes weak

but always strong

i’m afraid theres no happy ending here

just a bloody past

and a knowing

of where im going.

peace lilly

and who knew it'd be you that would reaffirm the realization that i’m sensitive.

for so long i wanted to be tougher than i really am…

thought that if i could pick a fight with myself and win, it’d somehow prove i’m strong.

(who was i ever fighting?)

i didn’t know that my strength laid in acceptance

that its the claiming of my own fragility and tenderness that gives me strength

ok, so what “i can do it” and “i can survive”

i don’t need to prove that to myself anymore and i’m already a survivor

How about living? How about making my biggest, most inspired dreams come true?

And living full?

How about allowing the divine’s great vision for me to unfold by getting myself out of the way?

ya, i got “the fight” in me… but what did the fight ever get me?  front row at the wrestling match… where i got to watch myself manhandle my former self?

and its you… a house plant of all things….

not even exotic or that beautiful…

quite plain actually… even more like me than i’d care to admit…

the kind of plant i grew up seeing in malls… almost as common as office ivy

i only bought you because you were the only plant available in the middle of winter….

and who knew itd be you that would remind me how sensitive i am…

if i don’t water you one week, you’ll begin to fall over and wither…

ive always had plants that could last weeks without my attention…

but you need me…. at first i was annoyed…. Couldn’t figure out why you were dying so much all the time…. thought it was the light and moved you from the window….

thought it was the temperature and moved you to the hallway…

had to research you on the internet…

had to go by the store and ask the owner how to care for you?

its taken me so many years to learn how to care for myself.

its all the attention you take that made me realize,

if i were a plant, id be just like you…

i know what its like to be thirsty and not watered

i know how it feels to need more sun…

i know what its like when its cold and you dont want to be where you are…

but your stuck…

i really, really get you…. we’re so alike….

i’m learning to watch your leaves so i can tell what you need….

you require so much more attention than any plant i’ve ever known…

again… just like me

and i stare at you thirsty, about to get up and water you…

all the while knowing, exactly what a plant like you needs.